


not worth it

by hawksonfire



Series: Clint Barton Bingo 2019 [16]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Anger, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton Feels, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Deaf Clint Barton, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, POV Clint Barton, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pre-Relationship, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 09:59:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19827796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawksonfire/pseuds/hawksonfire
Summary: It wasn't worth it - and Clint doesn't care if that makes him an awful human being to think that. It wasn't.He's not expecting someone to agree with him.





	not worth it

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Clint Barton Bingo Square O1 - Natasha Romanov.
> 
> this plotbunny would not leave me alone so: i give you angsty post-endgame clint and bucky remembering natasha better than that stupid fucking movie ever did.
> 
> (can you tell i'm bitter)

**Clint**

The sunsets in Wakanda are beautiful. The sun lights up the sky, orange and pink and red, and it’s like nothing Clint’s ever seen before. 

He hates it. Everything’s so fucking picturesque here. It’s like the world has no idea what it’s lost. _Who_ it’s lost. Sometimes he wonders if it was even worth it - and then he has to hit himself because she would kill him if she knew he was thinking like that.

He still wonders. “I miss you, Nat,” he mutters underneath his breath, and he drops the flowers onto the empty grave. Her body is still back on Vormir - Steve said he buried it when he brought the soul stone back, but Clint’s stopped taking anything Steve says at face value after he fucking left them to go back to a past that was never supposed to be his in the first place.

“I miss her too,” Barnes says quietly. The two men are the ones who visit Natasha’s grave the most often - Clint knows why he does it, but he’s not so sure about Barnes.

“What was it with you, anyway?” He asks, figuring now is as good a time as any. 

“Excuse me?” Barnes says, looking shocked.

“Why were you the only other person besides me who could get under her skin?” 

Barnes stares at him, a look on his face that Clint can’t quite decipher. “I trained her,” Barnes says, and it takes a minute for Clint to wrap his head around that.

“Red Room, I suppose,” he says, and Barnes nods. “She mentioned that Hydra had a training program there, but she never talked about you.”

Barnes shrugs. “She wouldn’t. I trained her exactly how the Red Room wanted me to - ruthlessly and without mercy. I broke both her arms and one of her legs, seven of her fingers, three of her ribs, and the one time she beat me she came away with a fractured skull.” He watches Clint, probably to see how he’ll react, but Clint just curls his hand into a fist and waits for Barnes to continue. “I have this memory,” Barnes starts, staring into the distance, “of the two of us, tucked away in a little corner no one else knew about, and we were just... holding each other. There was nothing more to it.”

“You were the closest thing she had to a father,” Clint says. He’s only guessing, but Natasha never knew her real father and it’s the only explanation Clint can come up with regarding her behaviour when it came to Barnes. “You taught her how to defend herself, how to kill someone, both noticeably and not - that’s something that would’ve stuck with her. And you say you held her?”

Barnes nods. “A few times. The last time, we got caught. After that, they wiped me and I never saw her again. Until...”

Clint nods. “Yeah, well, there was only one other person who just held her and expected nothing in return, and you’re looking at him.”

“You two were together?” Barnes asks.

Clint lets out a hollow chuckle. “No. She was like a sister to me, like an aunt to my kids.” He shakes his head, a gust of wind ruffling the flowers on the grave and drawing his attention. “My wife - _ex-_ wife was devastated when she heard. She said she didn’t, but...” he shrugs, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “She blamed me. Eventually, it got to be too much for her - I wasn’t the same man she married, and there was something... _missing_ between us. When she asked for the divorce, I barely hesitated.” He shakes his head. “Maybe I should have.”

“And your kids?” Barnes asks. There’s no judgement in his voice, but Clint still feels his hackles rise. 

“They’re pissed,” he says tightly. “Nate’s too young to understand, but Lila and Cooper... they know I’m not the same. They know why Auntie Nat doesn’t come around anymore, and honestly? I think they blame me too, a little.”

“They’re your kids, Barton,” Barnes says softly. “They love you.”

Clint scoffs. “We’re sitting at my dead best friend’s grave, Barnes, and I’m spilling my guts to you. I think you can call me Clint.”

“Bucky, then,” Barnes says. Clint nods. “Seriously though, _Clint_ , they’re your kids. They’ll come around.”

“They shouldn’t!” Clint spits. “It was my fault! I watched her _die_ , Bar- Bucky, do you have any idea what that’s like?”

Bucky smiles wryly. There’s no humour in it. “I got some idea what it’s like to watch your best friend die, yeah.” 

“Alright,” Clint says after a moment, because he may be an asshole, but he’s not a prick. “Fine. It’s my fault she’s gone, it’s my fault she’s never coming back, and sometimes I wonder whether it was even worth it having to pay that price to save the world!” He finishes on a yell, breathing heavily. 

“Clint, I -” Bucky starts.

Clint cuts him off. “So, yeah. Maybe that makes me a terrible person thinking that, but I lost the last person in this world who understood me when we decided to travel through time. It was the price we had to pay, but...” He shakes his head.

“It was too high,” Bucky finishes, and Clint’s head snaps up in surprise. “Losing one person was too high a price, but more than that? Nebula tells me she lost a sister when Thanos got the stones the first time, and then Natasha was taken by them as well, and then Stark - Tony.”

“Losing one person is one person too many,” Clint says vehemently, glaring down at the patch of dirt that has his best friends name on it.

“Mood,” Bucky says earnestly, and it’s so unexpected that it startles a laugh out of Clint.

“Where on _earth_ did you hear that?” He asks through his laughter. 

Bucky blushes, cheeks going rosy pink. “Shuri’s been teaching me slang. Did - did I use it right?”

Clint nods, still snorting. “Natasha would be so disappointed,” he says, bumping Bucky’s shoulder with his so the other man knows he’s kidding.

“Maybe we could... I dunno, keep in touch or something,” Bucky says, chewing on his bottom lip. “We’re the two people who knew her best, it would help keep her memory alive.”

“Sure,” Clint agrees easily. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to who knew Tasha, and Bucky Barnes being that someone doesn’t hurt. “You goin’ somewhere or somethin’?”

Bucky lifts his left shoulder in a shrug. “Kind of. Wilson’s asked me to tag along with him on his new superhero adventures, something about needing an old man around who knows how to handle the shield? I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention to him - he gets so annoyed when I claim that my hearing’s going. What about you? Got any plans?"

“Dunno,” Clint sighs. “Was thinking of moving back to Brooklyn - I own a building in Bed-Stuy, haven’t been back in a while. Might be nice to get away.”

“Sounds peaceful,” Bucky says wistfully. 

“You’re welcome to stop by anytime,” Clint blurts. “I can make the spare room up, and it’s a nice place, as long as you don’t mind dog fur.”

“Dog fur?” Bucky asks, amused.

“Yeah, a mutt named Lucky,” Clint says, smiling slightly. “He’s a little beat up, but he’s a good boy.”

“All dogs are good boys,” Bucky says seriously, and Clint laughs.

“That settles it, you’re coming to visit!” His announcement is met with a grin from Bucky, and their conversation fades into a comfortable silence. The two men stand at the empty grave and watch the sun sink over the horizon.

It might not have been worth it, losing Tasha in exchange for saving the world - but Clint thinks she’d be pretty proud of him if she were here.


End file.
